Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
