oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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