i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
