it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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