My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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