I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize