I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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