The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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