I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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