thus making me awesome and them whores
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
