non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
