Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
