lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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