If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
