easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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