well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
