Moan for me like Helen Keller
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
