omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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