Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
