Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i love accidental penises.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
