There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize