Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Send help, water and tortillas.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
