dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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