how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
