Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
