Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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