when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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