Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
