quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Everclear isn't food dammit
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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