the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
