You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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