Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
