two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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