When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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