end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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