I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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