i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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