I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
