So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize