Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
