alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
