I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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