Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
