My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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