"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
