Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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