I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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