remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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