i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
