Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
