And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
