Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
