Ketchup is God's man juice
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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