I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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