1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
