i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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