Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
