Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
