She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
