Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize