cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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