OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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