I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
